Pregnancy Loss & Anxiety

Hello! I was in two minds whether to write about this as my first “proper” blog post but I feel writing about it now while it is all still fresh in my mind will not only help me but also make my post as accurate as possible.

Where did it all start? In 2008 myself and Andy decided to try for our first baby. We were both really laid back positive people at this time in our lives and never really worried abouut anything.

We were both really uneducated about conception and pregnancy and just started ttc naturally after my next period had ended. We were incredibly lucky to fall pregnant the first month of trying, and the sheer excitement about the future took over. It was all we spoke and thought about and we told all our friends and family in excitement as soon as we got that positive test!

I took myself to the doctors and they referred me to the ultrasound department at the hospital for my 12 week scan. I got the letter through for my scan appointment not long after and this made everything even more real and exciting! The appointment wasn’t for a few weeks so we were counting down the days until we could see our baby on a screen for the first time!

My mum brought a pregnancy and baby record book round to our flat after we had got the scan date and I remember carefully filling it all in with all the dates and writing about how excited we were.

One evening not long after, I came home from work and went to the toilet and was shocked to find I had had some light bleeding. It wasn’t heavy, more like spotting, and didn’t seem to be getting any worse. So I put a pad on and had a quick Google to see what it could be, I had no idea about pregnancy so I had no idea if it was normal or not. After reading through a few forum posts and web pages I found that light bleeding in really early pregnancy could be implantation bleeding, but to inform your doctor just to be on the safe side. I remained my positive, optimistic self and booked a doctor’s appointment for the following day. I saw a lovely doctor, he thoroughly checked me over and immediately referred me to the early pregnancy unit (EPU) at the hospital for a scan to check everything was ok. We got a letter for an early scan and it was in a few days time, we were both really excited as we got to see our baby sooner now!!

The day of the scan came, we were both still really excited and a little nervous, we didn’t know what to expect as we had never experienced anything like this before! It never really crossed either of our minds that something was wrong, my bleeding hadn’t gotten any worse and I wasn’t in any pain. We got called through to the scan room and with beaming excited smiles we walked in and I lay on the bed ready to be scanned. The sonographer was lovely, really smiley, chatty and friendly, which was nice. She started the scan and said she would keep the screen facing her until she had done all the measurements and then she would show us the baby. I had worked out I was about 6 weeks pregnant at this point so we were hoping we would be able to see a little heartbeat! I turned my head to face the smiley sonographer and the screen as she started to scan me and I saw her face drop. I asked if everything was ok and she said “I am so so sorry, unfortunately there is no baby just an empty amniotic sac” she asked if I was sure of my dates and if I could be earlier on than I thought. My periods were like clockwork though and always 28 days apart. I was certain I should be at least 6 weeks. As I told her this and she double and triple checked, Andy took my hand and the realisation of what had just happened hit me like a ton of bricks. All our excitement and future plans had been zapped within minutes. I suddenly went from somebody who saw the good in every situation and thought as positively as I could about everything, to somebody who now questioned everything and worried about every little thing.

Coming away from the hospital that day I don’t think either of us spoke or knew what to say. I had been told I had to have a minor operation called a d&c to remove the pregnancy from my body and as long as everything was ok following the procedure we could start ttc again.

The day of the operation came and I was so nervous and worried that something would go wrong, but it didn’t and the operation went well. After the procedure I felt some of my positivity returning, the chance to ttc again soon was all that was keeping me going!

We had a follow up appointment with the consultant not long after the operation to discuss how everything went, maybe get an idea of why the miscarriage happened and hopefully the all clear to start ttc again. We were feeling pretty positive and looking forward to getting some answers to help us deal with the loss of our baby.

Unfortunately the reason for my miscarriage was that I had had a partial molar pregnancy. A molar pregnancy is an unsuccessful pregnancy, where the placenta and foetus do not form properly, and a baby does not develop. You can read more about molar pregnancies here.

This meant that my hcg levels had to be monitored for at least one year to keep track of whether they had gone down and were staying down. I had to send a urine sample off every week to a specialist hospital in Sheffield. The consultant told me that if the hospital were happy with my hcg levels after a year of monitoring we would be able to ttc again.

A year felt like such a long time!! We had already had our baby taken away from us and now we had the chance to ttc taken away from us as well, for the short term at least. It didn’t feel short term to me though, it felt like forever. I felt like the only way I could deal with losing our baby was to ttc and get pregnant again, but we weren’t allowed.

The days, weeks and months passed. Things did get easier and life did carry on as it does. I was a different person now though and had a completely different outlook on life. I tended to see the worst in situations rather than the best like I used to and worried a lot more. Luckily, all my hcg levels from the start of the monitoring had come back as normal and I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. In July 2009 we got the all clear to start ttc again! And we fell pregnant with our first son, J, in September 2009.

I was very lucky to have a very straight forward pregnancy physically. Mentally however I really really struggled. I couldn’t see us getting a baby at the end of the pregnancy because of what we had been through the year before. I cried a lot and worried a lot more. I found setting myself milestones in weeks to work towards really helped. I got a positive boost each time we had a successful scan or passed a certain number of weeks. My anxiety also eased off a lot when the baby started to move and I could feel that he was ok. We got all the way to 42 weeks and didn’t have the best labour experience but that’s another post altogether! I did break down at that point and thought we were going to lose our baby right at the last minute, but we didn’t. He was a very healthy 8lb12oz baby boy and completely transformed our lives!

The next 4 years, including the pregnancy and birth of my second son, were really positive. I did worry a bit during my second pregnancy but nowhere near the amount that I did before. The successful birth of our first son and enjoying him so much had really restored my positivity and this was enhanced by having another second successful pregnancy and second healthy baby boy!

Where am I now? The next time I started to struggle with anxiety again was when we decided to ttc for a third and final baby in August 2014. It was a hard decision because it’s the fear of the unknown, we didn’t know if we would have a successful pregnancy and I know I wouldn’t of coped well if something had of gone wrong. I had no reasoning to think that we wouldn’t have a successful pregnancy especially after 2 previous successful pregnancies, but for some reason all the anxious feelings from what happened in 2008 came flooding back. I think it was because I knew this baby would complete our family and I knew even more now than ever before how precious children are and that my two boys meant the absolute world to me. It’s like having your heart walk around outside your body! So having a potential child taken away from me would of shattered me mentally I think.

Luckily I didn’t have to worry and we fell pregnant with our third and final baby at the beginning of October 2014 and it was the icing on the cake that it was a little girl this time. I really did feel complete as a family now. I did worry a lot more during this pregnancy, I couldn’t see us actually having another baby and felt like I was waiting for something to go wrong. I worried about something happening to the baby or to me and my children being left with no mummy. Again I think it was the pressure of our family being complete after this pregnancy and I knew how relieved I would be when she was born and we could get on with our life as a family. I found myself counting down the days until she was born so our life as a family of 5 could begin! And the pregnancy chapter of my life would finally be over!
E was born on the 22nd of June 2015 by elective c section and it went perfectly well. No issues at all and we were at home 48 hours later!

After all we have been through we finally now have our complete family and words will never be able to describe how grateful I am every single day. I know what I went through is nothing compared to what other people have been through or are going through, but to me it changed my life. It was a horrible experience, but now looking back on it, even though I do worry a lot more than I used to before it happened, it has really made me appreciate the value of life so much more and that every second should be tr because you don’t know what is around the corner.

Can you relate to this post? Have you had anything in your life that has happened that changed your outlook on life? Let me know in the comments below! Also feel free to email me anytime 🙂

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Thank you for reading, well done if you got to the end, I know it was a long one!! It has took me over a week to write it all!

Lots of love

signaturenew

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Email: lauraat2blue1pink@gmail.com

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One thought on “Pregnancy Loss & Anxiety

  1. Pingback: Becoming a mum and transitioning from 1-2 and 2-3 children |

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